‎WAKEUP‬! - 'Lady G', is what I heard this morning, I know only my shoe family addresses me so elegantly. I was glad to hear her voice, though intrigued as we only speak when we celebrate the arrival of the new diva, and when we're on a - choose me, choose me - rampage when getting dressed. it was a concerned voice so I sat on my bed - 'we had a meeting recently and the family chose me as the spokesperson to relay the message' said Stiletto Kusukamaphepha - Ohh Yes! the...y have names. I listened, she cleared her throat (the top part of the heel) 'we concurred that we feel abused actually the correct word we agreed on is "worn out", because you have not brought in a new member in a loooong while' my eyes began to water, there was a knot in my tummy. 'we are not happy' she continued - I didn't want her to see the water in my eyes so I looked away. '... and you haven't danced in us for, what seem like... forever , and!...' raising her voice 'let alone dates - what is happening to you' I couldn't hold back the sob, my shoes only speak the truth. I cried out loud thinking about my other families, I thought - Holly!! - the underwear family is next, imagining what they will be saying - my mind was busy buzzing, I thought of sexy blue - saying something like "I haven't felt a man's hand ...", I forced my self to stop the thought, - too much.. I cried out loud 'universe - do something already before the ear family thinks less of my femininity'. 
 Love always.
 GugutheCoach

#WAKEUP! - Black sister, we were raised to be wives, to serve men and their families. We live a vulnerable life – of always availing ourselves so that we can be chosen.  No one ever uttered the love word when we were growing up, we long to hear it. We hear it all the time said by men to their women on television, we like what we see, it melts the sister and she gives in, we want that for ourselves, the first guy who says it – we melt, we give in, our legs become weak and vulnerable they automatically open.  We let men inside our being – they enter –us, our sacred space. We cling and hope he is the one.  They literally come and go.

#WAKEUP! - Black brother does what he saw growing up, speaks what he hears all the time from his uncles, that women are as good as cars, once used they are useless, they say what they know. Remember black fathers are never around; they are dead, in prisons, in mines, and in big cities or sleep walking. A man has to work for his family, they are told, a man is the head, he has to provide, and so he sells his soul, steals, begs and borrows to prove his manhood. They left the wives in the homestead, to slave away in the Promised Land, when nature calls, there will always be a willing candidate – seeking attention to satisfy her need only buried within her.

#WAKEUP! - Black family & teach Self-love, model self-worth.  We are only told to do for others, ‘put others needs before your own’ – our elders say.  #WAKEUP!  Be selfish – love yourself first in order to love your neighbour. Treat yourself with kindness, sincerity and dignity until it becomes a part of you.

#WAKEUP! - Black mothers are teaching what they know even when they know it does not work, it is sheer nonsense - it didn’t work for them, when they saved themselves for the one, as they were lying vulnerably, they asked themselves, is this it? They were taught to satisfy him, not themselves, as long as he is happy, keep quiet and be a good black woman.  #WAKEUP! black mothers, it is not your daughter’s fault that she feels worthy, she wants her ecstasy spot tickled, she searches with the knowing that  it is there somewhere, so she searches on, and brings the out of wedlock seed home for mum to look after, and return, in search of greener pastures.

 #WAKEUP! - Black sister, please stay with your children, bring them up through thick and thin then cut the umbilical cord, with love when they reach maturity, you have done your part – Kahlil Gibran once wrote “your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life longing for itself. They come through you but not from you”.  When you leave them with black mothers, black mothers take out their own frustration on your child, beating him, scolding him unnecessarily, sending him to church, telling him not to question authority. Besides they are passé, the universe is continuously moving. 

#WAKEUP!  - Black sister, you are not aware that you are producing another societal statistic; you might meet your child in rehab or in therapy if not in a coffin. Remember black mother’s spot was never tickled; she held back, she never lived for herself, so there is bitterness towards her own life. Be not their scapegoat of their own misery.  Happily ever after became a myth, it saddened her, she stopped to dream, she gave up, built up resentment which manifested through her body image. She gave up, totally.

#WAKEUP! - Black sister, when you stay with your kids you bring them up to be the man you would like to marry, but you don’t even know that man because you and your children are fatherless, even when you make him up, he is a ‘Hollywood Celebrity’ so in reality he does not exist.  So black sister raise your son and daughter the best way possible, teach them to question, teach them to be misfits, to follow their heart and trust themselves before they trust their teachers. #WAKEUP!  Be a non-conformist role model.

#WAKUP!- Black brothers and feel… we know, you are not expected to feel, black man don’t cry, you are told, hold it in.  You have no reference of a black man role model – You hear about Steve Biko, You hear of Martin Luther jr, You hear of Malcom X, you fear death – you admire their bravery but you are scared, You hear of Nelson Mandela, and you honour him but fear prison, You hold back. Black sisters expect so much from you, and you freak out even more – You start acting out, drinking too much and living a lie – your longing to be in partnership with a solid woman is bottled deep within your being – but the pressure is on, black sister expects you to be Denzel Washington, when you only want to be yourself.

#WAKEUP! - Do you know that black sisters love you more when you show vulnerability and openness, saying ‘I don’t know how it’s done, I am willing to learn along the way, - I am in touch with my emotions, I do cry, I do fear’ the awakened black sister embraces you and says ‘thank you for your honesty, let’s learn together’.  the awakened black brother will then take responsibility for the unclaimed seeds ignorantly planted in fertile wombs and he becomes the awakened black father.

#WAKEUP!  - stop repeating the pattern that is not working. #WAKEUP! ask who ‘I’ is, you will find ‘I AM’ you then become conscious, aware of your greatness. You steer clear of coercion, of trying to fit in – you run for cover –. The ones, who laugh at you, secretly admire you, for your courage to be the archetype and they chose whether to remain in the stereotype of a black nation that is associated with filth. #WAKEUP!

ALL IS WELL

Love

GugutheCoach

#WAKEUP!

You have been told about god, who is a white old man, you have been told to fear him for you are sinners.  Now you live your everyday life as sinners, you pray each day “Oh father, We are not worthy to even call your name, forgive us, sinners, we don’t deserve this life, but we are here in your mercy because you sent your ‘white’ son to die for us – so we can enter your kingdom” – this is when I open my eyes, leave the room and later ask not to be included in the ‘we’ part for I know my worthiness.

You live in lack because your father is so far removed from earth; even his son as well is living in the mansion in heaven, after his death.  You doubt if you will ever get the reward to see him when you die, because of your unworthiness. You are so black, your soul does not comprehend why you are praying to an external god – when the soul IS god, the source, the creator. - your emotions are unsettling because of your blackness, it will be such a privilege to enter your white father’s mansion upon death, while alive you don’t even enter your white neighbour’s house here on earth. You only enter it in your inferiority, to serve not share.  #WAKEUP!

#WAKEUP! -A friend or a stranger asks how you are doing; the first thing you mention is negativity - the ailments, the headaches, and the unruliness of the youth -.  Listen to yourself; you are in deep slumber -#WAKEUP! didn’t the only book you own, the black book tell you to count your blessings every day. But you’ll rather not, better to portray a picture of suffering, how can you be happy when others are starving. That is selfish, it is not blackness.

#WAKEUP! - You complain because you have given your power away to your father in heaven, you do not own it anymore, how are you reading the black book that you love so much – doesn’t it say “yea are gods”, have you ever questioned the meaning of that, that you are created in your creator’s image, you have all the power …within you – no, you return the power to the owner of the power, because you are undeserving, helpless sinners.  You follow the anointed and chosen men who interpret the black book for you from their own perspective.

#WAKEUP! - You are sick because you have given your power to the doctors, once they tell you ‘you are sick’ you believe them, they prescribe medicine for you to take every day for the rest of your life – you do not question them – they now own you, you own nothing of yourself because you are unworthy –hospitals are full of black people – you cannot wait to tell the first person you bump into about your ailment, you forget to tell them about the lovely blessing of breathing, of being able to walk, of seeing, of touching, of experiencing the new day, of mother earth supporting, feeding, grounding you each day.

You become so afraid, you build your own hell, you burn with guilt, you then go back to church, god has condemned you, you promise him, to be obedient and wear the church uniform so that you do not burn in hell when you die, it still does not resonate – something does not gel. It does not feel right and you know it in your heart.  #WAKEUP!  stop bribing your made up father. BE your own father; take ownership of your life, question, question, question.  In the beginning, it might be scary to do something different from your fellow blacks, then you begin to feel the presence of pure energy that does not judge nor condemn you – it reminds you that you are beautiful and you are worthy. You spend more time in SOLITUDE, and you know you are special. It is time to #WAKEUP! - to start appreciating the colour of your skin and it ripples to others, now this is what I call BLACK CONSCIOUSNESS.

Love

GugutheCoach

#WAKEUP!  #WAKEUP#a

Black is beautiful, we say. I agree black is indeed rich and beautiful. What makes us not to model the beauty we say we are. Is it because black is associated with evil, darkness, is this the reason we do not separate our being from the colour of our skin. We often blame it on the past, oppression, slavery, apartheid.

Before this - ignorance was bliss – black people were a proud nation with values and morals – this is when they didn’t know any other colour, or any other ways. We didn’t even know we were black until we were told by the white people. We then saw the difference; they introduced a different way of living, which was the beginning of our evolution.

Evolution does not happen smoothly, IT IS ROUGH, from the mountains to the caterpillars.

We struggled through apartheid, which is still embedded in us after years of freedom. We still see ourselves as inferior – I’m sure at this stage you might not use the phrase black is beautiful – you still refer to yourself as ‘black’ for beauty has not been introduced yet. You only know what you know - black, inferior, servant, unworthy... the list is endless – you accept your unworthiness –

By not questioning – your unhappiness – you complain, gossip, and still remain in your less-ness.

Once you realise that you are unhappy. It is a nudge to #WAKEUP!, DO something different from gossip and complaining as you have been doing it without seeing different results or improvement of the situation.

Questioning any situation brings about FEAR of the unknown – this is a great stage where Anger is re-activated – now the volcano is about to erupt, and bring about change.

Acting on our anger channels us to change what we do not like.

You start wanting to go where fear leads you – you can see that something is wrong. This is the awareness stage.  You can see when you enter the ‘black zone” where black people live, you notice the difference. You notice what you cannot change, for instance the structure of the black residence is structured differently from where you work – there is not much you can change about the structures – they are rigid. You become angrier. You realise that the only change you can achieve is ‘YOU’.

Curiosity is now birthed through comparison.  You now know what you like and what you do not like and something so strong inside you confirms that - COMPASSION.

Compassion allows you to do things differently, YOU START BEING THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO LIVE.  You start picking up litter in your neighbourhood and do this with such pride because you now remember who you are – you are beauty – you are love – you start doing this with dignity, without giving a damn what others think of you. You start living from the inside out.

You remember our forefathers who gave the land away, in exchange for a black book, you honour their stupidity as wisdom – you give thanks and ask for their guidance, and you surrender by saying ‘the black book’ is blinding our society, how can we open their eyes so they can see that there are more books to be read, even better, how can we redirect them to their inner wisdom.

You honour our leaders who fought for our freedom so that we can experience the evolution that the white people brought and see it for what it is – opportunities – development and civilisation.  You start seeing the beauty of this land and you want to join in to keep it beautiful and contribute to the economy.

Compassion and Love allows you to see everything in a positive light, you start seeing yourself as the citizen of this land and want to work in preserving its beauty, by joining hands with like-minded beings to awaken and to nudge those who are ready to #WAKEUP!

Love.

GugutheCoach.

dusttodust.com
 

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

…so the relationship was ephemeral - . I say to myself ALL IS WELL and IT IS WHAT IT IS and Gugu moves right along.

I decide to embark on unconditional Love - what a challenge.  I love no matter what. 

In 2012 I started having seizures, and they became frequent, it worried my loved ones, I remember Alex volunteering to walk the government hospital journey with me, which included long queues and early mornings, him witnessing my invisible veins as the nurses were trying to draw blood out of me, it took him on a totally personal journey while I was in my own WTF zone – trying to understand the whole fuss.  It turned out to be the most amazing experience for me, when I witnessed Love first hand.

My boys witnessing me at my weakness, scarring the SHIT out of them, while I was out of it – there was ‘nothing’ – out of body – out of life experience, BUT when I regained consciousness – the PEACE FULL NESS I felt was beyond bliss – while the physical body was wounded, bitten tongue, blood oozing out of my lips. When they reiterated what they witness – I had no clue – I only asked them why they didn’t take a video as I had no comprehension to what they were talking about. To me it felt like I had just woken up from the most peace fullest sleep ever.

The Zulu healing women said to me, ’you will not need to take any medicine after performing a traditional ceremony that was supposed to have been done at your birth’ – surprise, surprise when you have been born by a mother who was raised by the German Lutheran missionaries, and there is a secrete trace of German in her own blood – she knew nothing of the sort, though she was married to a core Zulu guy, who decided to kick the bucket within five years of their married life = obviously she did what she knew best, raising her kids religiously and not traditionally.  We all do what we know.

So it turned out I was born with a veil and it was not acknowledged at birth as it is what connects me to my ancestors, the no physical world and reason for my seizures was because I was stuck between the two spheres, the physical and the non-physical. Ever since the ceremony I have never had any attack, an esteemed homeopath confirmed this. It’s been over a year – I celebrate and I am grateful to be the chosen one.

I am learning to look at any experience as an experience, nothing less - nothing more. I am learning not to put conditions to any situations, not to put labels to anything, to accept LOVE as it flows through me.  The gratitude I have towards life, towards family, friends – especially when challenging times are upon me, to be vulnerable, with the knowing that my strength is made perfect in my weakness – this liberates me. To open myself to love – pure love .

It is blissful,

I LoVe you – you are playing a big part in my life – I cannot bring myself to judge you – or hate you, coz that will mean I am judging me and hating me – the best thing to do is to thank you for showing up.

The next chapter is being written and only the gods know why you have been drawn into my existence, why we had, or have the interaction. I embrace it and I surrender and remain open to the guidance.

Love

GugutheCoach

TrueLies

The pressure we put ourselves through in avoidance of judgement.   When interacting with others we care more for acceptance, instead of being different and living in one’s truth, we have been conditioned to fib. Once we unlearn who we are not and learn who we are, the discomfort of fitting in becomes unbearable, tossing and turning in the box, until we get rid of the box.  Once one lives in awareness, the pressure wears off.  I have chosen to stand out in ‘my’ truth, to engage only in conversations I have interest in, to ask when unsure, to answer with a question, to listen to my body, environment and others, to say No without feeling guilty, to say YES because I agree, to feel, to connect with others on a higher level, to look beyond the physical into infinity, to see GOD in every situation.

I care about being misread, being misrepresented, just because someone knows a little about me; it does not mean they can say they truly know me.  I am here to LIVE only for me; sorry! if I don’t agree with you, I hope you get over it as soon as you start minding your own business, for now let me BE.

I have recently opened myself to a sacred relationship with a wonderful man. I have become the feminine being that I have always wanted to be.  I trust the divine process from the day of our first encounter, from the moment I said a little prayer sitting lonesome in a stadium full of people who were in celebration – I was not celebrating anything in particular on that day, I was happy to have been invited by a special friend to an event to celebrate women, I celebrate each day, I do not need a declared day to celebrate something.  Looking up to the sky, wearing sunglasses, with teary eyes on a pavilion in a stadium I uttered a prayer “God! What next?” as I often throw questions to god I now realise that I never wait for answers, now I KNOW the divine ALWAYS answers, this time he answered immediately (maybe he always does, answer immediately all the time, am I listening? - becomes my mantra, my meditation).  A lady sitting with a gentleman behind me nudged me, asked for the program I was carrying, I gave her, next thing business cards were exchanged, as they say the rest is history...I do trust I am always where I am supposed to be.

I have lived a lie, wanting to appear strong, when inside there was turmoil, dressed up meanwhile, inside I am bare. NOW, I am receptive - aware of the love I have for me, the vulnerability I show openly, the gentleness I treat myself with, the respect I have for me simultaneously flows easily to my man – yes I said it – my man. I see so much of myself in him, I see the man I have prayed for, saying “Yes, you asked for it, now GET IT”.  Before, I thought I am not worthy of LOVE, I judged myself, saying who will love a divorcee, a mother of three, a failure who has failed to support her children, an existential woman who follows the wind – though, still, I refused to settle for less, I chose to wait.  The answer is who else can love ME unconditionally none other than me.  Now I see the love I have for me reflected right back at me by a man who is also dealing with his own life journey. 

Some might say it is too soon to talk, I do not care, I will always be confident because I sent a prayer, it was answered.  Time frame Only exist in the world, I operate from another dimension, a higher vibration where I follow my heart and wish for the best, why wait if it feels right.  I am not a conformist, I will not die an unlived life – so I will be truthful to myself, I don’t know what tomorrow holds, what I know is the feeling I have NOW, it is the present, a gift straight from the divine.  The three month waiting period is not for me, I will LIVE now, judge me if you may, I’m cool with my choice, I do not live in regret.

Yet, my life still goes on, interesting enough, it is topsy-turvy, It is like looking for a needle in the haystack, I don’t know how to get out of some situations, doing the work I enjoy but the pay is a laughing stock, my boys’ future in my palm, my wellbeing and that of my mother’s is stirring right back at me, the question is still ‘God!, what next?’ I still live in the knowing that the answer is right under my nose.  Am I careless? am I playing with fire? Am I jeopardising the lives of those that are dependent on me? What am I doing? Who am I fooling? If I’m fooling myself, have I forgotten that I promised to settle only for quality, what guarantee do I have that I will achieve that which I call quality, what guarantee do I have that I will not? Apparently the answer is in the question, so many questions – the answers are right there. I only need to live in integrity, the dangerous zone, the vulnerable zone, where judgement is indirectly invited, am I sure that I do not care, maybe I care enough not to care.  Bring it on – I am tired of crying at night, and smiling during the day... endure Gugu, persevere Sisi, the end is near, the world promises – what if the end is the beginning? I ask myself. – what the fuck! I believe there is neither the end nor the beginning.  I chose to be a butterfly, remember before it turns colourful and beautiful and decorate the earth - it is struggling in the cocoon trusting the process of BEAUTY. It is said Darkness is before dawn, I say darkness exist in the dawn – it is all happening at the same time.

YIN=YANG

Love always, it is well – so said my man.

AS IT IS.

GugutheCoach 

 Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon, and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
to Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness,
Great is Thy faithfulness,
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Die Katastrophe naht: Die kleine Schmetterlingsmalerin Mumbi (Uainab Ebrahim, links) mit ihrer Mutter (Gugu Mhlongo)

The Awakening

As I was watching the movie - Long walk to freedom by Anant singh - with my best friend last night, there was a shift of perspective in me - it dawned on me.  I was so AWAKENED in a humbling and subtle way.  

My life has become a continuous AWAKENING journey - .

Mandela used his natural gift - Anger!  Yes - anger is a gift - a natural signal that identifies an opportunity for growth and healing.  Once this gift has been owned and channelled properly it can transform one’s life from negative to positive.  The rage that Mandela demonstrated, was the beginning of his healing process. 

Had he denied it, we wouldn't have seen his POWER.

When my ex husband use to beat me up, he was dealing with his own frustration and he used anger to feel powerful by belittling me, he used a defence reaction as he felt threatened now I understand there was a POWER struggle between the two of us. If he channelled his anger appropriately he’d love himself, nature his wife and that would make him feel POWERFUL in a positive way.  He was going through his own AWAKENING journey as I was also going through my own - unbeknown to us both. If I didn't flee I would have been abusing him in return by allowing him to abuse me. Ironic!!!

When Nelson Mandela was in prison he was serving his life purpose, his life purpose has nothing to do with anybody else and yet he was serving for the whole.  He was not there as a 'father' to his children though he fathered them.  According to the societal expectations, he was supposed to shun his dream and make sure that he provided for his family on a daily basis. Winnie, Mandela's wife was in and out of jail herself living her life's purpose.  Their children continued to grow as they were also in their own AWAKENING process.

When you realise your life purpose - you give your all to it, you understand your anger energy and you dedicate your life into transforming it into passion - .

  

A parent is a conduit to his children.  The universe or god makes sure that the children are fed.  If they die it is still part of the process and if they live, they also live for what they came to this world to achieve.  Whether you were raised by a single parent or in an orphanage, you still live, there is no lucky and unlucky situation because at some point in your life when the AWAKENING process takes place - there is some hardships that come with the experience.

My boys last saw their dad when they were five and three, today they are twenty and eighteen.  They went to the best schools, are great in sports and drama, they always have a shelter, food and clothes.  They are on their own life journey - they have their own anger, as they are already going through their AWAKENING process.  The transformation of Anger to Love goes through a ‘difficult’ process of FORGIVENESS and it starts with the 'Self' – once one masters the process of self forgiveness one learns to let go of any grudge in their system.

My prayer is that wherever their dad is - his journey has taken him through a healing process of anger transformation - whenever I think of him I wish he is using his energy to create beautiful music as that was one of his gifts.

Forgiveness is the ultimate form of LOVE.  After 27 years of imprisonment Mandela opted for peace when a lot of South Africans expected revenge.  Mandela's had risen to POWER.

A woman who is holding negative energy (i.e. grudges, hatred, blame) in her system, attracts illness, she has no friends, she is always complaining and blaming others, she is not aware that she brings this unhappiness into her life, when she stops and look at her hand, she’ll see that she is to blame as one finger points at others the other four are pointing right back at her. 

We are in charge of our own happiness.

After qualifying as a Consciousness Coach, I knew that my purpose is to support people live the life they were born to live and I committed to living my purpose.

I am awake are you?

Love

GugutheCoach

Longing

Longing

 The you in me or the me in you – go figure I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about my mother how I wish she sees things the way I do and I know that she wishes I can see things her way as well – so my friend said to me ‘where will she begin to unlearn’ – I actually had an aha moment you know that light bulb moment, that I have to worry about my own life not other people’s lives. I realised it is my ego that thinks I am right and others are wrong. The stuff that irritates me about other people, I must learn to stand aside and ask myself what it is about me that irritates. This is an awareness process that brings me back to the ‘I’, the source, it all starts with me. I have noticed that most things are easier said than done – I have used inspirational quotes from philosophers and great leaders without realising their deepest meaning, I pretend to understand them theoretically and not from a practical point, – they really sound musical, these quotes hold a deeper meaning than I realise. It is a good start to want to experience the meaning of the quotes, then comes the actual experience which is the doing and thereafter in the end you realise it was NOTHING actually… what am I going on about, let me use one of my favourite quotes ‘life begins at the end of a comfort zone’ – Wow! It sounds great to say it, it sounds really clever and philosophical especially when giving advice to a friend after reading it for the first time without trying to understand it. Yeah!! Friends regard me clever, they think I understand this game called life, what they don’t know is I’m also in the field fumbling along – I just read the manuals from different authors and I memorise and remember what I can,… flip! When I realise the advice I gave them, I am the one who needs it the most. It is like looking in the mirror and talking to myself – so the friend is the mirror reminding me to take an honest look at myself, I sound like Michael Jackson right now - ‘I’m looking at the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways – no message could have been any clearer – if you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make that change’. The point I’m making is it all starts with me and it all ends with me. The people I attract into my life are a reflection of me, how? A guy who is afraid of commitment who wants to care for other people and deny himself pleasure, he does not understand that a beautiful woman like me can love him, he thinks he does not deserve me, he comes up with all kinds of excuses not to be loved. Where do I fit in here? For I know for sure that I want all the attention now, I deserve to be loved; I am ready to allow someone to care for me. – How can this guy be a reflection of me – when I look at this thoroughly - we are definite opposites *** What I need to do is to thank him for his honesty, close the chapter and move on to the next book, figuratively speaking. He was in my life to help me accept and face the fact that I am entering a new stage of my life of being in an honest relationship that is a reflection of me. (SCARY) The fear of waiting, fear of what if I don’t meet the one, fear of being alone, f o r e v e r!!!! O M G - I tell myself I will settle for him even though he has about 80% of what I want in a guy, I tell myself I will compromise the 20% - in this way I’d be denying myself happiness, wholeness, I’ll be settling for second best to what I asked for.

 My Master Marc Steinberg told me in my face that when I think someone is withholding and not giving his all it is actually not the other person it is ME.
 “We all project onto other people parts of ourselves that we disown, that we deny”
What one suppresses within, one suppresses without.
What one gets upset with within, one gets upset with without.
What one condemns within, one condemns without.
What one fights within, one fights without.
                                     - Words by Marc Steinberg – founder of Consciousness coaching

As scary as it is - I need to push myself out of the comfort zone and face my fears and allow myself the pleasure that I deserve and trust that what I have ordered will be delivered on a silver platter only if I let go, then I ask myself that I have been in the discomfort zone for a while now – the waiting is uncomfortable – how much patience can one person bear, damn, the discomfort of wanting to share intimacy, laughter, ice cream with a close mate is not nice at all. – It is all part of the mystery of living a wholesome life.

 When I find you, I would have found me.

 Lots of Love
 GugutheCoach.

Rock bottom

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Rock bottom

Vulnerability is uncomfortable…this is where I find myself most of the time, most of my life.  By choice and by fate.  I don’t want it anymore – I’m described as “strong” – I want to be weak now…  When I tell the universe – the higher power – god, that I am ready to live the life I love, this is when it becomes tough and others are ‘wondering’ why I don’t do like everyone else.

The answer is I don’t enjoy doing something for the sake of doing it.  I want to enjoy what I do, I want to feel alive, I want to lose myself in the process  -  so why is it frowned upon.  Parenting is not my strongest gift, coz I do not do it like everyone else, I’m detached, I put myself first – It’s labelled selfish…I call it empowering.   This vulnerable and uncomfortable life makes me become the subject to others who do it the proper way, and it affects them –.

 I have no reference of what I do, I trust that it is achievable, then it cost me relationships and money.  I feel like hiding until I achieve it, there is no timeline to it, I claim time and space sometimes and it’s achievable.  Now I’m dealing with claiming relationships and money it requires me to stick to integrity, I am loosing relationships and money - I’m sticking to integrity – it sounds twisted.  I feel weird and crazy and out of my mind, people are telling me left, right and centre about options – I thank them and trust my creation, I’m asked why do I want to create when there’s a system that has been followed forever, I tell them I’m not a good follower. 

When I say I want to be weak now, I mean I want to be in a relationship where I’m treated like an egg, a fragile piece of art, I want things done for me, I want the feminine part of me to be more apparent, it is only noticeable when I’m pregnant and when I’m doing motherly things, my appearance is entirely feminine and I’m proud of that.  The stuff that I find myself doing and the way I do it is highly masculine, from hugging to the way I relate, in my previous relationships I was the head of my household, the breadwinner, the decision maker.  I acknowledge that opposites exist simultaneously; it is evident that I am balanced.  In my family I am the only daughter surrounded by three brothers, I was gifted with three male children, I have enough male friends and I relate easily to them than to my lovely female ones.  I now want to be able to be the master in the kitchen, (by the way, the guys I dated are great in the kitchen, except for the guy I was married to, I never even tasted a boiled egg by him).  Is it a fantasy?  I wanna be cared for, thought for, spoilt in a good way,  I want to cook for my loved ones, I never even cooked that much for my kids coz I was always at work,  I wanna plan holidays for us, go shopping, go to a spa once in a while, do what women do…that’s all  I want and it is not too much to ask.

Amazing that in 2012, I only have two goals set financial abundance and a man who is also aware of his femininity and masculinity.  It must be balanced, his appearance must be absolutely masculine and he must be willing to treat me like a lady, he will not regret it. 

The financial part of my goal is confusing coz for the past twelve months I have not earned money, I have hit rock bottom and I have not paid my bills and I am deep in debt, I am experiencing the opposite of financial abundance and the exciting part of it is I am not feeling poor at all, friends are amazingly generous, they offer me their cars to drive when I need to, they buy me new clothes, they take me out, they offer their homes for me to stay when I’m in their areas, they parent my children and more.  I am experiencing luxury without even working for it, others are saying I earn it because it is what I would do to others – and it humbles me. 

Same with the relationships I am attracting, a few new men approach me, they are the total opposite of what I wish for, I find myself experiencing the opposite.  At the moment the guys that approach me are called rich coz the only thing they have is “money”. 

I am rich in spirit
Love
G

The Knowing

The Knowing.

This journey is not easy… this I’m writing from the depth of my heart, with tears streaming down my face.  A conscious journey is not for sissies, I tell you….!!

Growing up questioning and not conforming has led me to this path of Joy and Anger.  My granny told me never to question the bible and that made me more curious then I questioned it more than ever before, it’s funny when you tell someone not to look down – that’s what they do - they look down.  When I had my first period as teenager my mother told me not to play with boys, well she was not specific as to how not to play with them, but that afternoon I found myself in the company of my three guy friends and at the back of my mind I was aware of my mother’s words but I disregarded them on purpose, she didn’t make sense to me coz I only have brothers and most of the times I played with them.  Growing up - we were not to answer back nor ask questions when parents talked to us, so they spoke to us not with us.  I was very close to my stepdad but as soon as I finished high school he couldn’t stand the sight of me this led to me staying away from home during holidays, I couldn’t dare question why he was always fighting with me, my mother supported me visiting friends and relatives instead of questioning what was going on in her home and when I asked about it later on in my life she says she was protecting me – I blamed her for a very long time but now I know that we only do what we know.

I became a parent at the age of twenty two, it was unplanned, I met a guy in Jo’burg, away from home, we moved in together within a month of dating and within three months I was pregnant.  I was petrified, first of how I was going to break the news to my mother, secondly, I did not know what to do with the baby once it was born.  Thinking about it now honestly I didn’t associate pregnancy with birthing of a human being that I will be responsible for – I guess words and experience were two different things – understanding was far from me, I agree one hundred percent if one could have called me naïve at that time, because life was happening as if I had no control, it was like I wasn’t part of it, things happened to me, I had no power..  or I didn’t know that I was born complete with power, and this realisation has been a process.  There is so much I didn’t know, I gave so much of my power away, to the father of my kids, whom I was married to.  I gave my power away to my employers, to situations, to animals and plants, now I am also realising that I gave my power away to money, to god – It controlled me, and I allowed it!  The realisation that I can claim my power back scared me but the determination gives me so much courage.

How did I give my power away?

By settling for less than what I am. By not questioning hard enough, by allowing other people and situations to control me. By living in fear.

How do I know I am more than what I am settling for?  I just know.

There is this knowing we are all born with, it is in the core of our being and we all know it because we are all made of the same fabric.  When I follow stories of great leaders like Nelson Mandela, Jesus, Martin Luther King jr, Mahatma Gandhi and many others, they trusted their knowing more, they questioned authority, they didn’t conform…even if it killed them, they risked their lives for their truth. 

What is my knowing telling me?

My knowing warns me of danger before hand and when I didn’t have my power back, I wouldn’t listen to its nudge, then I found myself in relationships and jobs I didn’t enjoy, I did it for survival and for security.  I feared god because everyone else does and I gave all my power to god in fear of his punishment – how can I give power to the owner of power, I was powerless.  How can I fear LOVE!!!!!!!!!  I gave all my power to money, money has its own power, and it doesn’t need mine.  I gave my power to animals, by fearing them and I disregarded plants.

My knowing guided me to have my power complete and intact within me, instead of fearing I love. Love helps me to see animals for what they are; they are living their lives and minding their own business, unless I interfere with them.  Plants feed, nourish and heal me, the mountains and the forest is my home.  God is love so if I live in love, I am one with god so basically I am god and so I am source, I  create my own reality though it is not easy to believe that until I unlearn all the teachings that I have been questioning throughout my life.  My knowing is what I do, meaning I only do what I know – my knowing has becomes my job, my talent, it is what I am good at, whether it’s dancing, singing, teaching, painting or writing – it is what makes my heart sing when I do it.  It leads to money - money flows my direction because I know that I do not need to suck up to god for blessings or ‘kiss ass’ to a boss for a raise through pretence.  This knowing is in synchronicity with life. All becomes one.  I am one with god.  I NOW choose relationships; I don’t find myself in situations.  I am in charge.

What I’m still dealing with is the people that came to this world through me – my children – I am responsible for them, the truth is my discoveries about my life confuse them and I am aware of it and they find me weird and untrustworthy.  With every realisation, I unchoose or let go of what is not in synch with my truth, like quitting a job and moving to a different town or unchoosing a relationship because I was in it for fear of being alone.  Life becomes shaky and I trust that every situation is temporary – while on the other hand they feel disorganised because they have to adjust to new arrangements and my knowing tells me it is also appropriate for their own journey for We are one with ALL.

One Love

Gugu

Sunshine on a cloudy day

In the middle of a storm I have learnt to be still and calm and I wouldn't say I have learnt to enjoy it coz that would be a lie..I just become aware of what is happening and I become fully present in it. This might not mean anything to someone who reads about being present but has never practiced or experienced what they read.

when I was about 13, my mum sent me to a shop, to buy something that she urgently needed - I think it was one of those moments when you make tea and you realise there is no sugar - I ran into the shop as I got out half a second later the rain was pouring outside - people were gathered on the veranda of the shops talking about different things, others complaining, others surprised at how fast this rain came as I was about to sprint into the rain to hurry home someone said it will pass soon, coz it came too fast, and an elderly woman said if I ran in the rain I would get sick L,  so I decided to wait with them - while we were waiting a boy my age was walking in the rain wearing nothing, but his underwear - my first reaction was of envy, that he is lucky but when I saw that he was crying like a baby I got confused - thinking I'd be jumping up and down coz it's something we did a lot - played in the rain and had fun - anyway in my confusion one of the older guys on the veranda assumed that the boy's father was training him to be a 'man' and he went on to explain that in the rural Zululand fathers use to send their boys naked in the rain to herd cows - this trained them to be strong. From that day on I made a choice that I will also choose tough over easy - in anything I did, regardless to say that at home I hated cleaning the house or washing dishes, but what I really enjoyed was to clean the stove - we had a coal and wood stove - I enjoyed the texture of ash on my hands, when we visited my granny I enjoyed smearing cow dung on the kitchen floor, it was their way of cleaning floors - it made no sense then - most people hated it but I loved if for some odd reason. I felt odd.

the oddest was when my ex - husband use to beat me up and once he hit me so hard on the bridge of my nose and it pained like crazy and I told myself I will allow myself to feel this pain without pretending, from then I made decisions like when I have a headache I will not numb the pain by taking painkillers, I will go to the gym to make friends with pain, I will deliver my babies without any anaesthesia... this has become part of my life. In the middle of a storm, I relax into it', I do not analyse whether I like nor dislike it - I just allow it to be. the storm passes eventually...then I find that I am a better person not in comparison to anyone else but a better person than the one I was before the storm.

In life there are storms and sunshines and we need to experience all of them equally without any analysis, as people we tend to only want to experience the sunshine and when the storm comes we moan and groan. I find that if I do not welcome the storm, it keeps on visiting me – especially when I think I’m clever than the universe and use ways to dodge it – the storm visits me more often than others whom I compare myself to, in my eyes they seem to be forever basking and enjoying the benefits of the sunshine..  If I endure the storm, there are benefits as well. I find people in the city only want to talk about their successes, they never mention their ‘failure’ – a breakup, repossession, shortage – so much pretence, when you mention any ‘negativity’ you are experiencing – you get cut out of the circles. Ooh my gosh!!! On the other hand in little towns people are always talking about their ailments, hi blood pressure, arthritis – they embrace it and when I say I never get sick then we don’t relate coz I have nothing to complain about.  It’s like they look for negativity to report, nothing positive when a conversation is going well they have a way of spoiling it by saying something like ‘if it wasn’t for my weight .. I’d be enjoying my new car better’ 
I enjoy not talking when there's nothing to be said.
WTF – let’s live this life it has its own laws, it has opposite sides as the coin.

Love

Gugu

JOY

I find myself in a state of Joy at all times. This state allows me to detach and see things as they are, to hear what is being said and listen to the actual message, to feel... to feel? Feelings are not what I thought they were anymore.. I feel nothing anymore. Someone might think only a dead person does not feel - I don't know about dead people - what I know is what I thought were feelings before was actually my head telling me so. It sounds contradictory - it sounds cold -.
when I am alone I do not feel lonely - I feel aloneness then I choose whether or not to be in a company of others, mostly I choose my own company - it is scary to be alone - I still choose it and it is safe to be with others - I am afraid of safety.
I still maintain the same state of joy in the scary company of myself - what on earth has gotten into me. I have totally lost it.
I have actually found myself with this realisation, the layers are peeling off. I get upset and when I check the state is still Joy. It doesn't make sense - and I like things that do not make sense. I rely on none-sense.
I want to see and experience what it is I am afraid of, running away from it is like running away from myself, so does this mean I scare myself - what could be so frightening about me, if others like my company isn't it inevitable that I will enjoy my company too.. apparently not. We spend so much time with others coz we are running away from ourselves. it means there is something scary about ourselves.
What could be scary about me - is it because I am Powerful, I am Beautiful, - so why would I run away from such positivity, is it because I do not believe it - does is overwhelm me? Yes it does. Will running away to spend time with others help me realise my power, beauty etc... they will not realise it unless I have realised it first.
I am not scared to be alone - when I choose to be with you it is because I want to share myself with you.
When I'm with you I am still with myself more than I am with you and I wish you the same.
Be with yourself and you will find the JOY of Life then choose to share yourself with others - total BLISS.

Love Always
Gugu