Uthando-Love

TrueLies

The pressure we put ourselves through in avoidance of judgement.   When interacting with others we care more for acceptance, instead of being different and living in one’s truth, we have been conditioned to fib. Once we unlearn who we are not and learn who we are, the discomfort of fitting in becomes unbearable, tossing and turning in the box, until we get rid of the box.  Once one lives in awareness, the pressure wears off.  I have chosen to stand out in ‘my’ truth, to engage only in conversations I have interest in, to ask when unsure, to answer with a question, to listen to my body, environment and others, to say No without feeling guilty, to say YES because I agree, to feel, to connect with others on a higher level, to look beyond the physical into infinity, to see GOD in every situation.

I care about being misread, being misrepresented, just because someone knows a little about me; it does not mean they can say they truly know me.  I am here to LIVE only for me; sorry! if I don’t agree with you, I hope you get over it as soon as you start minding your own business, for now let me BE.

I have recently opened myself to a sacred relationship with a wonderful man. I have become the feminine being that I have always wanted to be.  I trust the divine process from the day of our first encounter, from the moment I said a little prayer sitting lonesome in a stadium full of people who were in celebration – I was not celebrating anything in particular on that day, I was happy to have been invited by a special friend to an event to celebrate women, I celebrate each day, I do not need a declared day to celebrate something.  Looking up to the sky, wearing sunglasses, with teary eyes on a pavilion in a stadium I uttered a prayer “God! What next?” as I often throw questions to god I now realise that I never wait for answers, now I KNOW the divine ALWAYS answers, this time he answered immediately (maybe he always does, answer immediately all the time, am I listening? - becomes my mantra, my meditation).  A lady sitting with a gentleman behind me nudged me, asked for the program I was carrying, I gave her, next thing business cards were exchanged, as they say the rest is history...I do trust I am always where I am supposed to be.

I have lived a lie, wanting to appear strong, when inside there was turmoil, dressed up meanwhile, inside I am bare. NOW, I am receptive - aware of the love I have for me, the vulnerability I show openly, the gentleness I treat myself with, the respect I have for me simultaneously flows easily to my man – yes I said it – my man. I see so much of myself in him, I see the man I have prayed for, saying “Yes, you asked for it, now GET IT”.  Before, I thought I am not worthy of LOVE, I judged myself, saying who will love a divorcee, a mother of three, a failure who has failed to support her children, an existential woman who follows the wind – though, still, I refused to settle for less, I chose to wait.  The answer is who else can love ME unconditionally none other than me.  Now I see the love I have for me reflected right back at me by a man who is also dealing with his own life journey. 

Some might say it is too soon to talk, I do not care, I will always be confident because I sent a prayer, it was answered.  Time frame Only exist in the world, I operate from another dimension, a higher vibration where I follow my heart and wish for the best, why wait if it feels right.  I am not a conformist, I will not die an unlived life – so I will be truthful to myself, I don’t know what tomorrow holds, what I know is the feeling I have NOW, it is the present, a gift straight from the divine.  The three month waiting period is not for me, I will LIVE now, judge me if you may, I’m cool with my choice, I do not live in regret.

Yet, my life still goes on, interesting enough, it is topsy-turvy, It is like looking for a needle in the haystack, I don’t know how to get out of some situations, doing the work I enjoy but the pay is a laughing stock, my boys’ future in my palm, my wellbeing and that of my mother’s is stirring right back at me, the question is still ‘God!, what next?’ I still live in the knowing that the answer is right under my nose.  Am I careless? am I playing with fire? Am I jeopardising the lives of those that are dependent on me? What am I doing? Who am I fooling? If I’m fooling myself, have I forgotten that I promised to settle only for quality, what guarantee do I have that I will achieve that which I call quality, what guarantee do I have that I will not? Apparently the answer is in the question, so many questions – the answers are right there. I only need to live in integrity, the dangerous zone, the vulnerable zone, where judgement is indirectly invited, am I sure that I do not care, maybe I care enough not to care.  Bring it on – I am tired of crying at night, and smiling during the day... endure Gugu, persevere Sisi, the end is near, the world promises – what if the end is the beginning? I ask myself. – what the fuck! I believe there is neither the end nor the beginning.  I chose to be a butterfly, remember before it turns colourful and beautiful and decorate the earth - it is struggling in the cocoon trusting the process of BEAUTY. It is said Darkness is before dawn, I say darkness exist in the dawn – it is all happening at the same time.

YIN=YANG

Love always, it is well – so said my man.

AS IT IS.

GugutheCoach