Rock bottom

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Rock bottom

Vulnerability is uncomfortable…this is where I find myself most of the time, most of my life.  By choice and by fate.  I don’t want it anymore – I’m described as “strong” – I want to be weak now…  When I tell the universe – the higher power – god, that I am ready to live the life I love, this is when it becomes tough and others are ‘wondering’ why I don’t do like everyone else.

The answer is I don’t enjoy doing something for the sake of doing it.  I want to enjoy what I do, I want to feel alive, I want to lose myself in the process  -  so why is it frowned upon.  Parenting is not my strongest gift, coz I do not do it like everyone else, I’m detached, I put myself first – It’s labelled selfish…I call it empowering.   This vulnerable and uncomfortable life makes me become the subject to others who do it the proper way, and it affects them –.

 I have no reference of what I do, I trust that it is achievable, then it cost me relationships and money.  I feel like hiding until I achieve it, there is no timeline to it, I claim time and space sometimes and it’s achievable.  Now I’m dealing with claiming relationships and money it requires me to stick to integrity, I am loosing relationships and money - I’m sticking to integrity – it sounds twisted.  I feel weird and crazy and out of my mind, people are telling me left, right and centre about options – I thank them and trust my creation, I’m asked why do I want to create when there’s a system that has been followed forever, I tell them I’m not a good follower. 

When I say I want to be weak now, I mean I want to be in a relationship where I’m treated like an egg, a fragile piece of art, I want things done for me, I want the feminine part of me to be more apparent, it is only noticeable when I’m pregnant and when I’m doing motherly things, my appearance is entirely feminine and I’m proud of that.  The stuff that I find myself doing and the way I do it is highly masculine, from hugging to the way I relate, in my previous relationships I was the head of my household, the breadwinner, the decision maker.  I acknowledge that opposites exist simultaneously; it is evident that I am balanced.  In my family I am the only daughter surrounded by three brothers, I was gifted with three male children, I have enough male friends and I relate easily to them than to my lovely female ones.  I now want to be able to be the master in the kitchen, (by the way, the guys I dated are great in the kitchen, except for the guy I was married to, I never even tasted a boiled egg by him).  Is it a fantasy?  I wanna be cared for, thought for, spoilt in a good way,  I want to cook for my loved ones, I never even cooked that much for my kids coz I was always at work,  I wanna plan holidays for us, go shopping, go to a spa once in a while, do what women do…that’s all  I want and it is not too much to ask.

Amazing that in 2012, I only have two goals set financial abundance and a man who is also aware of his femininity and masculinity.  It must be balanced, his appearance must be absolutely masculine and he must be willing to treat me like a lady, he will not regret it. 

The financial part of my goal is confusing coz for the past twelve months I have not earned money, I have hit rock bottom and I have not paid my bills and I am deep in debt, I am experiencing the opposite of financial abundance and the exciting part of it is I am not feeling poor at all, friends are amazingly generous, they offer me their cars to drive when I need to, they buy me new clothes, they take me out, they offer their homes for me to stay when I’m in their areas, they parent my children and more.  I am experiencing luxury without even working for it, others are saying I earn it because it is what I would do to others – and it humbles me. 

Same with the relationships I am attracting, a few new men approach me, they are the total opposite of what I wish for, I find myself experiencing the opposite.  At the moment the guys that approach me are called rich coz the only thing they have is “money”. 

I am rich in spirit
Love
G