The Knowing

The Knowing.

This journey is not easy… this I’m writing from the depth of my heart, with tears streaming down my face.  A conscious journey is not for sissies, I tell you….!!

Growing up questioning and not conforming has led me to this path of Joy and Anger.  My granny told me never to question the bible and that made me more curious then I questioned it more than ever before, it’s funny when you tell someone not to look down – that’s what they do - they look down.  When I had my first period as teenager my mother told me not to play with boys, well she was not specific as to how not to play with them, but that afternoon I found myself in the company of my three guy friends and at the back of my mind I was aware of my mother’s words but I disregarded them on purpose, she didn’t make sense to me coz I only have brothers and most of the times I played with them.  Growing up - we were not to answer back nor ask questions when parents talked to us, so they spoke to us not with us.  I was very close to my stepdad but as soon as I finished high school he couldn’t stand the sight of me this led to me staying away from home during holidays, I couldn’t dare question why he was always fighting with me, my mother supported me visiting friends and relatives instead of questioning what was going on in her home and when I asked about it later on in my life she says she was protecting me – I blamed her for a very long time but now I know that we only do what we know.

I became a parent at the age of twenty two, it was unplanned, I met a guy in Jo’burg, away from home, we moved in together within a month of dating and within three months I was pregnant.  I was petrified, first of how I was going to break the news to my mother, secondly, I did not know what to do with the baby once it was born.  Thinking about it now honestly I didn’t associate pregnancy with birthing of a human being that I will be responsible for – I guess words and experience were two different things – understanding was far from me, I agree one hundred percent if one could have called me naïve at that time, because life was happening as if I had no control, it was like I wasn’t part of it, things happened to me, I had no power..  or I didn’t know that I was born complete with power, and this realisation has been a process.  There is so much I didn’t know, I gave so much of my power away, to the father of my kids, whom I was married to.  I gave my power away to my employers, to situations, to animals and plants, now I am also realising that I gave my power away to money, to god – It controlled me, and I allowed it!  The realisation that I can claim my power back scared me but the determination gives me so much courage.

How did I give my power away?

By settling for less than what I am. By not questioning hard enough, by allowing other people and situations to control me. By living in fear.

How do I know I am more than what I am settling for?  I just know.

There is this knowing we are all born with, it is in the core of our being and we all know it because we are all made of the same fabric.  When I follow stories of great leaders like Nelson Mandela, Jesus, Martin Luther King jr, Mahatma Gandhi and many others, they trusted their knowing more, they questioned authority, they didn’t conform…even if it killed them, they risked their lives for their truth. 

What is my knowing telling me?

My knowing warns me of danger before hand and when I didn’t have my power back, I wouldn’t listen to its nudge, then I found myself in relationships and jobs I didn’t enjoy, I did it for survival and for security.  I feared god because everyone else does and I gave all my power to god in fear of his punishment – how can I give power to the owner of power, I was powerless.  How can I fear LOVE!!!!!!!!!  I gave all my power to money, money has its own power, and it doesn’t need mine.  I gave my power to animals, by fearing them and I disregarded plants.

My knowing guided me to have my power complete and intact within me, instead of fearing I love. Love helps me to see animals for what they are; they are living their lives and minding their own business, unless I interfere with them.  Plants feed, nourish and heal me, the mountains and the forest is my home.  God is love so if I live in love, I am one with god so basically I am god and so I am source, I  create my own reality though it is not easy to believe that until I unlearn all the teachings that I have been questioning throughout my life.  My knowing is what I do, meaning I only do what I know – my knowing has becomes my job, my talent, it is what I am good at, whether it’s dancing, singing, teaching, painting or writing – it is what makes my heart sing when I do it.  It leads to money - money flows my direction because I know that I do not need to suck up to god for blessings or ‘kiss ass’ to a boss for a raise through pretence.  This knowing is in synchronicity with life. All becomes one.  I am one with god.  I NOW choose relationships; I don’t find myself in situations.  I am in charge.

What I’m still dealing with is the people that came to this world through me – my children – I am responsible for them, the truth is my discoveries about my life confuse them and I am aware of it and they find me weird and untrustworthy.  With every realisation, I unchoose or let go of what is not in synch with my truth, like quitting a job and moving to a different town or unchoosing a relationship because I was in it for fear of being alone.  Life becomes shaky and I trust that every situation is temporary – while on the other hand they feel disorganised because they have to adjust to new arrangements and my knowing tells me it is also appropriate for their own journey for We are one with ALL.

One Love

Gugu