Reflection



GugutheCoach

As I reflect and look at my life NOW.  All I have achieved and all I have lost.  My father died when I was three I lost a big part of my life, I gained independence and strength.  I gained a father figure in my step dad and male figures in my uncles.  I gained a hard working mother.

 My life has been easy and sometimes difficult, sometimes by choice and sometimes by fate, I am still grateful, nonetheless.   I can never change anything about me – I embrace my imperfection and my beauty, without them I don’t know what life would have been.  I have learnt from my constipation to let go of stuff and remain unattached sometimes I want to hold on a little while longer and nurse a broken heart when an expectation was not fulfilled – I have learnt that it is all part of the process, sometimes I want to curse, shout, scream avenge and I realise I will only be making matters worse. Everything is a lesson, a reflection, a mirror – a kilo gained teaches me something and a kilo lost remains a lesson.  unfriending friends and unchoosing  relationships teaches me about holding each other’s hand until we have crossed the bridge. When it’s time to part ways, it is time to part ways even if I still want to hold on a little longer – and there are no if’s and should have’s about it – like, if we did it this way it would have… – well, it didn’t, let’s get over it and move on.  Going through a rough patch humbles me and I totally welcome it the same way I welcome sunshine.  I have learnt that in lack there is so much gain – in pain there is joy, all simultaneously. 
I commit to myself – to life - to god - to purpose.  What does this mean?
– I can only define it for myself, if I can – at times, it makes no sense even to me - The people that are ready to understand will and the ones that are not ready to understand will not and that is when  judgement, blame and curse happens.  It is also fine.
Nothing is wrong.  It is all part of the plan - as painful as it is sometimes it makes sense when I get to the other side of the pain – I can never change what happened – it is gone – the only thing I can do is choose to be totally alert.  The commitment and the effort will determine the outcome.  Kicking and screaming when I achieve a different outcome will not help at all.
When I was in the job market I would apply for position, prepare for interviews and when I did not get the job in the end – I would blame it on everything else but me.  I once got a promotion to lead a certain department and within six weeks I got demoted, Ohhh! the tears, embarrassment, resentment and Gossip that came with that was so much and when I looked at it later on I saw it as a blessing – climbing a ladder of a wrong building – so to speak. It is exactly what I deserved but at the time I did not see it that way.  It was all pretence from my side thinking power and money and I missed the big picture – that job was not what I wanted.  In the past, I have hooked up with guys without communicating my wants and plans and when they carried on with their wants and plans I felt cheated, the relationship ended or a potential guy ‘in my head’ ends up being a one night stand.  When I look at it now it was my own doing that got me in the situation, when I felt used and hard done by – I realise I played a bigger role in that outcome.
As happy and sad now in my creations I remain unattached to the outcome, sometimes I want the outcome to come sooner.  My patience and integrity gets tested when something that is disguised as the outcome appears and I check and I realise it is not quiet what I ordered. – Do I justify – and settle for second best instead of waiting for the order?  
Namaste!

With Love

Gugu :-)